Nick’s post yesterday about ex-Royals in the postseason and how he picks a team to root for, but does so half-heartedly, got me thinking. In a universe of 30 baseball teams, I have reasons to openly dislike about 28 of them.
For the sake of posterity, I made a list:
Atlanta Braves – If the local fans can’t support their own team, why should I care? I remember watching playoff games while in college in the early ‘90s (damn) when there were plenty of seats available, which just boggled the mind. To paraphrase a former head football coach, “It’s the playoffs!”
Arizona Diamondbacks – I hate that they shorten their name to the D-Backs. Why? So close to D-Bags. Who wants that?
Baltimore Orioles – It’s been over 15 years since that kid caught the home run in the right field bleachers at Yankee Stadium. Let it go.
Boston Red Sox – Pink hats and Nomaaaaah. I thoroughly enjoyed the collapse and hope (do I hope) this is the start of another 80 year curse or jinx or whatever. You were cute when you were the scrappy upstart. Now, you’re just intolerable.
Chicago Cubs – Responsible for more idiots watching baseball than any team outside of Boston. That whole throw the ball back after a home run thing… Ugh. Now it sounds like they’re close to landing Theo Epstein as their GM. That should be fun.
Chicago White Sox – AJ Pierzynski. Shouldn’t he play on the D-Backs?
Cleveland Indians – They have delivered five or so of the most soul crushing defeats of the Royals in the last six years. And they haven’t even been that good! Growing up, the Indians were pathetic. Worst team in baseball that played in the worst stadium in a dreadful city. In the 1990’s, all of that changed and it really shook my world view to the core. Great team, sparkling stadium and a city that suddenly became kind of cool. I hate when my world view gets messed with. Plus, those Indian fans that just sort of popped up out of nowhere really bothered me. I’m sure it will be the same when everyone in Cleveland starts sporting Royals caps.
Colorado Rockies – Anyone who uses a humidor for baseballs and not cigars is flat crazy.
Detroit Tigers – 1984. You beat my team in a playoff series, I hate your team. Forever. Screw you, Gibby.
Florida Marlins – Have you seen their new stadium? Have you seen their new logo? Have you seen their home run “spectacular?” It’s as if the entire South Beach area dropped acid and started vomiting technicolor. And it really annoys me they’ve won two World Series in their existence, both times as a wild card, and immediately dismantled the team the following year.
Houston Astros – I’m not entirely certain they exist anymore. Although I would take Bud Norris, even though he hates Taco Bell. The Killer B’s always annoyed me back in the day. And they never did anything in the post season until the Royals gifted them Carlos Beltran.
Los Angeles Angels – How’s that Vernon Wells for Mike Napoli trade working out? Or the Scott Kazmir deal? The current village idiot of baseball teams.
Los Angeles Dodgers – When you get to my Giants entry, you’ll understand.
Milwaukee Brewers – I’ve adopted them as my team of the four remaining, but the fact the Yunigma may get a ring… And I can’t ignore the fact they used to be owned by a used car salesman. Like Nick, I give them 25 percent of my support.
Minnesota Twins – In the near future the tables are going to be turned and Royals fans will flood the Twin Cities and cheer obnoxiously for their team at Target Field. Soon. I can’t wait.
New York Mets – They remind me of the Royals, only if David Glass made his fortune by a Ponzi scheme. And they spent money like tissue paper. That Oliver Perez contract will never fail to crack me up.
New York Yankees – Duh.
Oakland Athletics – Moved from KC just before they got good. Older readers will appreciate the hate. Also, home of the Bash Brothers. And where LaRussa found his genius.
Philadelphia Phillies – They once employed Pete Rose and Tug McGraw. And 1980 is a painful memory.
Pittsburgh Pirates – Just can’t muster enough venom. Strong history, a gazillion consecutive seasons below .500, and a beautiful home park. Sounds vaguely familiar…
San Diego Padres – Much like the city of San Diego itself, it’s impossible to have an opinion either way on the Padres.
San Francisco Giants – I don’t hate the Giants. Sorry. They’re my NL team and have been since Chili Davis and Jeffery Leonard roamed Candlestick. But Will Clark really made me a fan of this team. His destruction of Greg Maddux and the Cubs in the first game of the 1989 NLCS was a thing of beauty. Like them so much, I made a pilgrimage to Candlestick Park back in 1993, next to the ’77 Royals, probably the best team I ever saw in person. Haven’t been to AT&T Park, but I will soon. I think everyone should have a team in both leagues to cover their bases.
Seattle Mariners – Are they still in the league?
St. Louis Cardinals – Tony LaRussa, Albert Pujols, Willie McGee, Tony LaRussa, Dave Duncan, Mark McGwire, the best fans in baseball, Tony LaRussa and Tony LaRussa. This team cries more than my youngest daughter’s soccer team. If that Pujols cat doesn’t get his act together and stop playing the victim, there will be tears engraved on his HoF plaque.
Tampa Bay Rays – I really used to admire the Rays… Winning on a budget and all that. Except now I’m tired of the lame excuses of why they can’t fill that desolate stadium in St. Petersburg. Now they just whine. From the comfort of their own couches.
Texas Rangers – On May 8, 1979, Ed Farmer hit Frank White with a pitch leading off the game that broke his hand and forced him to miss 33 games. A few innings later, Farmer drilled Al Cowens in the face with a pitch and fractured his jaw. That night, the Royals had Larry Gura on the mound and he retaliated by hitting Buddy Bell with a
feather fastball the next inning. Cowens waited a full year before he exacted revenge, charging the mound after he grounded out while playing for the Tigers. That’s hardcore.
One game… That’s all it takes. Although I do enjoy watching them steamroll through the postseason.
Toronto Blue Jays – Blame Canada. I do.
Washington Nationals – Stolen from Montreal. Not that I care. But it’s tacky.